| So it's around 2:15am & I am still awake.. still thinking of everything that I've been going through in my life & it's stressful sometimes. When am I gonna finish college, who am I grow old with, or anything pertaining to the future? Life's been real hard on me & things are just starting to creap up on me & the future is unpredictable. Me & my mom's relationship has never been that great. Seemed like every conversation we had ended up in an argument of some sort. I don't know, sometimes I feel like I just can't make her happy.. she thinks everything I do is wrong & every mistake I make is bad, sorry mom but I'm only human.. I make mistakes, but you don't need to burden me & make me feel worse than I am. It sucks, there's so much things I wanna be open with her about & I just can't tell her because she's gonna get mad for sure or say something about it. So tell me what am I supposed to do? .. I'm trying to be all that I can be & try to do my best because that is all that I can do. Right now, just trying to build up my relationship with her & hopefully just be on good terms and maybe someday I'll be able to be comfortable with her to talk about anything. & my dad? he probably doesn't even know much about me except for that I can sing & that's about it, I think.. thanks dad for being there when you can I guess. Hmmm.. now the love life. Well, hmm where do I even start? I'm completely in love with him, but I have my worries and paranoia. I just don't want to get hurt in any way & I feel like any future talk is just gonna bogg me down & make me worry even more. So what's gonna make me happy? What? A ring on my finger? .. to assure me that my future is set & that he's the one I'm gonna end up spending my life with.. I don't know that's a little too much. & seriously when am I ever gonna grow up & put that jealousy & intimidation crap aside. Honestly, if there's one thing about me that makes me go crazy is the fact I let stupid things in my head question EVERYTHING & that's when I start thinking out of the box about things I don't even need to think about. Seriously, like WTF? ..or maybe I'm just selfish, yeah hmm maybe that's it. Or maybe it's that I always keep thinking that he can do better than me because I'm not perfect & that I never will be.. because I keep comparing myself to other females is why I guess I think this way. Or like what I said before maybe I'm too selfish & I just want him to myself & that's it, but in my head that's wrong.. I should be able to trust him especially after everything we've been through & that's where the dillemma comes in. If I am gonna be a selfish bitch then I deserve to be alone. *sigh* my head's playing games with me.. making me think too much than what I have to..... What am I saying? I really love him & I "hope" everything turns out the way we want it to.. funny thing, he always tells me not to "hope" & that if he could he would get down on one knee & you already know what comes after, he would. He really means soo much to me, I mean damn after everything.. all the fights and arguments & the drama you think either one of us would call it quits, but then we always end up working it out and I guess that's whats keeping us going. & that whole six months was a test for us and yeah we made it through.. it wasn't easy believe me but now that it is over & done with it's like, "what's left to do?" live our lives like how it was.. I'm real happy at times but then at other times I don't know what's wrong with me.. he knows, he knows when there's something wrong & he makes me tell him. damn, he knows me too well it scares me sometimes, but the point is that whatever obstacle that God puts us through.. we'll find a way to get through it & if we have to scream & shout at each other for it then let it be. & If there's one thing I know for sure is that I'm going to be here for him no matter what.. the past 2 & 1/2 years together has been hell of a rollercoaster but all in all a good one, not gonna lie though.. there were days when I can't stand him & then there were the days when I felt like I couldn't live without him. I don't know what it is about you boy, but all I know is that if it's meant to be it'll happen & you know what I mean .. singing if you love her then you should put a ring on it. :] Happy 2 & 1/2 year Anniversary, I love you. |
